Gay, Not Gay
by highonpixistixs
Summary: Sai tells the Konaha gang his insightful thoughts on what is considered gay and what isn't. This story is rated M for a very good reason people. Read at your risk.


This is Sai's version of King Missile's '_Gay, not Gay_' song/spoken word thing. If you don't know who he is or have never heard this song, I suggest you look it up on youtube, or google it. You don't, however, need to really know about it to read this fanfic.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or King Missile's wonderfully funny and insightful song.

Warnings: This is OFFENSIVE. If you can't stomach the word 'cock', 'pussy' or 'faggot' and multiple usage of the word 'gay' stop reading. This is not for you. If you are mature enough and not a tightwad go right on ahead and read it.

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**Gay not Gay: Sai's Edition**

**By pixistixs**

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It was one of those rare occurrences today, when most of the ninja weren't off on a mission or had just finished coming back from a mission. It was a rare window of opportunity for all of them to gather at a local bar and hang out for the first time in months; even the sand siblings were there having finished their diplomatic meetings in Konoha. It was during this rare occurrence that Sai, our socially retarded potty mouth, had uttered the most inappropriate and somewhat educating things to come out of his pretty little mouth.

So there he was, insisting to the bartender that he needed to use the karaoke microphone to announce something important. The bartender handed him the microphone with a snarl of, "It better be something good."

Still a little wobbly on his feet, he made it to the stage, managing not to fall on his ass. Leaning on the mike stand he wheezed out a cough making the mike screech, tearing apart the eardrums of some of the people standing a bit too close to the stereo. There were yells of protest from the crowd as they covered their ears.

"Argh, what the hell are you doing, Sai?" screamed Sakura angrily. She was one of the unfortunate people who were standing next to the giant stereo speakers.

But Sai ignored her and spoke into the mike, "I'd like to make an _important_ speech." He winked at the bartender but the man scowled and looked away.

The angry crowd quieted down, curious to see what the phallus obsessed man was going to say. Sai cleared his throat and looked down at his crowd with a dazed look

"Well go on," shouted some of them getting impatient.

"Right," he said giggling. He straightened himself up and put a finger to his lips to jog his befuddled memory. "I...I had a dream last night. And Sasuke and Naruto were in it," said Sai pointing out to the crowd the pair sitting in the front. They both glared back at Sai with a look of annoyance.

Sai swung the mike around dangerously. "And _Naruto_ was in his _Sexy no Jutsu_ form." The crowd reacted with a couple of cheers and lewd comments.

"Oh no no no. It wasn't _that_ kind of dream," said Sai snickering, the crowd groaned in response. "No, Naruto and Sasuke were on a TV show you see and the topic of the show was… "_Transvestites and the Men Who Love Them_."

There were several scraping sounds heard throughout the bar as many chairs were moved forward. Sai knew he got the attention of almost everyone in the bar now. He smiled in approval.

"And the Uchiha was on with his "girlfriend" you see," he gestured casually at the 'girlfriend'. Naruto was not pleased at this remark, just as he was about to lob his drink at Sai's head, Sakura yanked him down by his collar.

"Sit down, I wanna hear what he has to say," Sakura snarled venomously.

Sai took no notice of this and went on, "And he was saying, 'To me, this is a beautiful woman. She's got a perfect body, beautiful blonde hair, everything. I love her. And I love _making_ love to her.'-" Cue the cat calls and obscene comments. But it seemed that wasn't even the best part...

"..'Now I ask you, does that make me _gay_?'"

There was a mix of raucous laughter and angry yells from the crowd. The angry yells mostly coming from Sasuke's fangirls who were screeching 'SASUKE'S NOT GAY!" and Naruto who was angrily yelling that he was not a trannie. Sasuke didn't seem to care much; at least he wasn't the _woman_ in this relationship.

Sai ignored them and continued nonchalantly, "Most of the audience thought so, and so did I. But it got me thinking about what _is_ and _isn't_ gay."

Again the crowd went silent as their curiosity peaked. Sai waited, as he made sure all their eyes were on him.

He took the mike from the stand and boldly stood without holding onto the stand for support. His eyes swept through the audience as he said, "Discussing sex with a guy is gay." The sexually boastful Genma coughed into his drink when he heard this. The other Jounin sitting next to him snapped their head in his direction, accusing him silently with their eyes.

Sai took a step to the left surveying his female audience. "Discussing sex with a woman is straight." The women smirked approvingly. "Even telling a woman "_Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to suck a cock_,"... is straight." Asuma looked relieved for some odd reason, next to him Kurenai sneered smugly.

"Taijutsu is gay, especially the kind Gai and Lee practice." Gai and Lee gaped; their mouths opening and closing like a fish out of sea. The males in the rooms sniggered including Kakashi who hid his chuckle behind his orange book. "Unless you're practicing against a female, in which case it's straight."

"Hot springs are _always_ gay, because afterwards you're showering with guys later, and that is gay." Everyone who has ever been to a hot spring blushed furiously.

Sai continued his speech, swaying slightly in his inebriated state. "Watching pornography alone is neutral, like eating a sandwich. It is neither straight nor gay." Jiraiya and Kakashi grinned and high five'd each other.

"Watching pornos with one or more other guys in the room, no matter how many other women are also in the room, is gay." The guys of Rookie 9 looked at each other nervously. Just cause they watched a porno together, _one time_, it didn't mean they were gay...right?

"Watching porn, even gay porn, with one or more other women only is straight," he said offhandedly. Ino and Tenten glanced over at Neji knowingly. Neji was making a gesture with his hands communicating to them that he would strangle them if they said a single word.

"Here's an interesting one: Kissing a gay guy on the cheek, or letting him kiss you on the cheek is neutral. As long as the guy is out of the closet." Naruto silently pondered with a blush, if Haku was out of the closet already when he kissed him in the forest that day. Of course at that time he thought Haku was a girl...

"Hugging and/or kissing a straight guy is gay." Sai sneered accusingly at Sasuke and Naruto making them remember what happened on the first day they became genin. The entire room stifled their laughter as they too remembered that infamous day that the two rivals 'accidentally' kissed. Naruto and Sasuke sunk down in their seats in humiliation.

Sai sighed, "See, look, I know I'm homophobic, but not about gay guys. They don't bother me at all. It's straight guys who don't _know_ they're gay... they fuck my shit right up!" he shouted angrily, pointing his finger dramatically at Naruto. Again Sakura was forced to yank Naruto down as he was about to jump onto the stage to cause various bodily harm to Sai.

"Oi, who the hell does he think he is?!" screeched Naruto indignantly. But the terrifying look on Sakura's face that said 'I'll fuck _you_ right up if you don't shut your trap' made him reconsider his whining.

"Like a guy calls me up and says, 'A bunch of us guys are gonna sit around in our underwear and watch the game and drink beer and eat chips and, you know, maybe _wrestle_ with each other, just us guys. You wanna come over?' Sai said with ill-concealed disguise as he glared at Gai-sensei. "And I'm like, 'No!'"

Kakashi shuddered in repulsion, he too got such a phone call from Gai. Gai however didn't seem to get the implication.

Sai went on…"Ok, you got a guy sucking your dick, even if he's dressed like a beautiful woman, even if he's got the best breast implants you've ever seen, even if you're saying to him "Suck it, bitch, I know you like it, you slut, you whore!"… That's gay."

Sasuke closed his hands over Naruto's mouth with lightning speed reflex before he could scream out and give them away. The angry blonde boy was screaming a muffled "How did you find out about that?" while Sasuke hissed at him to, "Shut the fuck up or Kami help me, I will _stab_ you in the face."

Sai put his finger to his chin thoughtfully. "Conversely, if a woman straps on a dildo, and you're dressed like a woman, and you're sucking _her_ cock, and she's saying, "You like it, don't you? You like sucking my dick you little fucking faggot," and then she rolls you over and fucks you in the ass and says "You love it you little pussy boy! You love getting fucked in the ass. I'll bet you wish I were a man! I'll bet you wish this was a real cock, you fucking faggot!" and you're getting off on this like you've never gotten off before," he paused to grin down at a certain scarred Jounin who was shaking his head and gesturing violently at him.

"That's still straight."

Anko was laughing heartily as she watched Ibiki recover from his near heart attack.

Sai wasn't finished as he smiled impishly, "But then, if you go off to the bar, and discuss this, or any other sexual experience with guys, _that's gay_."

"That doesn't count, I was drunk when I told you that!" shouted Ibiki suddenly, unwittingly giving himself away. The sea of accusing heads were turned toward him this time and what started as a snigger exploded into full on guffawing drowning the Jounin in shame.

Sai waited as the crowd quieted down before he continued.

"Here's the most interesting one. Sucking a guy's cock _can_, under certain rare circumstances, be straight," he stressed importantly. The crowd sat silently waiting for him to elaborate.

So, trying not to look at Sakura who was sniggering at him, he said, "Let's say you've gotten into a betting game with a woman. And the bet is that whoever loses has to be the other's sex slave for an entire night... you know, the kind of stuff that happens in Penthouse Forum _all_ the time."

Sakura couldn't contain her giggles as she watched Sai's face flush red. Sai coughed slightly and said quietly. "And you _lose_, and the woman makes you have sex with another guy. That's not gay! I don't know exactly _why_... but it's not."

The crowd went silent save for a few aptly placed crickets from Shino's table. The silence went on for a whole minute before someone from the back broke the awkward silence with a cough.

Sai sighed resignedly, "I bet you're all wondering this anyways..." He paused for dramatic effect. "… _it was Naruto_."

The crowd burst out into ear-splitting laughter. Naruto looked appalled and shocked, his voice cracking as he tried to form words.

And as any good comedian does, he ended with a hard-hitting joke. Holding up two fingers he said, "It was this tiny."

Hilarity ensued. Like a raving dog finally released from his leash, Naruto jumped on to the stage throwing kunai after kunai at Sai's drunk ass while the whole pub roared with laughter.

_Fin_

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Are you offended yet?

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